Archives for suffering

Are You Impacted by the #1 Cause of Suffering?

Part 9 in the MindValley Reunion=Mind Blown series, which continues next week


After years of personal development study and practice, I was amazed that I could be made aware of a truth so obvious, and so fundamental, yet never realized its prevalence and the vast impacts that it has on so many lives. It is why Marisa Peer is the most quoted expert in Vishen Lakhiani’s book, Code of the Extraordinary Mind, and among my blogs.

There is a reoccurring automatic thought (some experts call them ANTs – Automatic Negative Thoughts) that many other thoughts can be traced back to. And if you have felt as though you have fallen short of your personal goals, or that your life is not living up to a par you have established, even if by most standards your life is good, this is often the thought responsible for that feeling.

As a world-renowned hypnotherapist who has worked with youth and the destitute as well as the rich, famous, and even royal, Marisa has seen this thought play out in so much needless suffering. This thought causes marriages to fail. It causes emptiness even when resources are full. It causes people to hurt others. It causes suicide. It causes addiction.

This thought is, “I am not good enough.”

Can you see anywhere in your life where this thought, which by now is most likely a belief, impacts your decisions, which impacts your results?

Have you ever shied away from speaking with someone? Have you ever decided a goal was “too big?” Have you pushed love or friendship away because you felt at some point it would go awry?

When you look in the mirror, what is your internal dialogue? When you see someone with an outfit, haircut, or career you admire, does it make you feel good, or worse?

If you are reaching for really big goals, why? Are you doing it for you? Are you hoping that by achieving big goals you will feel like you are doing enough? Are you hoping that it will make someone proud, perhaps someone who never seems fully satisfied with your efforts?

When you do experience success, do you feel ease or do you feel something else – anxiety, pressure, fear?

A couple other common pervasive and limiting beliefs are “It’s not available to me” and “I am different, so I cannot connect.”

Really take a look at this, because converting these thoughts and beliefs into positive supporting thoughts and beliefs will change your life for the better.

Here is a simple pattern that we can observe easily:

A thought, especially one that is reinforced with evidence or one that recurs, becomes a belief. Beliefs drive our decisions, which become our actions or inactions. These actions or inactions become our results.

Neuroscience has helped us understand better how our brain operates, and how neural pathways are formed that make certain things automatic, and they become habits. Habits are behaviors that we don’t think much about – we just do them. This is supposed to be helpful to our survival, except that this is how bad habits are formed.

Chances are that if you have identified this thought at work in your life, it has been at work for a very long time – since you were a child.

The traditional treatment for this is therapy. Marisa points out, however, that it is still highly inefficient and based on the fact that some people spend years in therapy without vast transformation in their lives.

Newer discoveries in neuroscience have found that we are more capable of changing our brains than once believed, and that it doesn’t have to take years to do it, and to see results from it. Hypnosis has been scientifically proven to be effective in accelerated, even instant, resolution of bad habits.

Marisa has been working with some of the top neuroscientists to develop a program called Rapid Transformational Therapy, and at the MindValley Reunion in San Diego in August, she brought us through 4 of the 7 modules of this program, which is based on practical neuroscience and teaches you to be your OWN healer.

If you have ever tried to change before, you know how hard it is, and this is also thanks to our brain and its tendency to want to protect us. When anomalies in patterns or our environment occur, our brain naturally fires synapses and releases hormones that we experience as unease or even anxiety – our heart rate increases, our breathing gets short, our muscles tense up, our palms may sweat. This can feel uncomfortable, and depending on the level, can even feel painful. If we do nothing to intervene with these responses, we will naturally be inclined to avoid things that create these responses. We may even use our logical brains to validate our need to avoid them.

By becoming mindful, we can choose to be more conscious than subconscious about our reaction. We can ask questions that our mind will naturally answer, such as, “Is my life being threatened?” We can also manipulate our physical response by choosing a slower breath and relaxing our muscles. If we can make this a practice, we can create new responses to change, and even associate positive change with good feelings, and release dopamine instead of cortisol, which will make us crave change and the good feelings we have started to generate. The thing is, this practice still takes significant time.

What Marisa has done is leveraged what we understand now about the brain to build neural pathways in ONE short session.

Here is the GREAT news > Right now MindValley Academy is offering a FREE 30-minute Masterclass so that you can experience this for yourself! I have no idea how long this will be offered, so do not hesitate to sign up now!

 

In the meantime, if you feel brave and see how it can serve others, share with us in the comments what you discovered about how these common thoughts and beliefs have impacted your life.

P!nk – Don’t Let Me Get Me

P!nk’s official music video for ‘Don’t Let Me Get Me’. Click to listen to P!nk on Spotify: http://smarturl.it/PSpot?IQid=PLMGM As featured on Greatest Hits…So Far!!!.

To intervene or not to intervene

In my latest vlog, I divulged that I believe connectedness is why we are here. When I am suffering, however, I can tend to disconnect when I need connectedness the most.

Help Point by Mark Hillary from Flickr

Help Point by Mark Hillary from Flickr

In years past I have let readers in on how difficult this coming season is for me. My husband will be gone from sun up to midnight, often longer. We may see each other in passing for 10-15 minutes to exchange pertinent information, or we may go days without seeing each other. This particular season is already proving to be challenging; the girls and I have already come down with our first colds. What makes this year particularly tough is the impending one year anniversary of my sister-in-laws passing, as I recall the difficulties of last year, trying desperately in vain to save her.

All of this has made me think about how connectedness actually is supposed to manifest when our fellow human beings suffer. What do you do when you know somebody’s having a rough time and you have the ability to help them but they didn’t ask you for help? Do you intervene?

Do you let them figure it out by themselves?

Clearly if they wanted your help they would’ve asked for it right?

We all know that there have been times that we have needed someone’s help, yet we did not ask for it. We might’ve known that, while this person could help, they were clearly in the middle of dealing with their own issues. Maybe it was just too personal of a problem to divulge. Probably for most of us, we feared that we might change someone’s mind about us by sharing that we have this problem. So, people, like you and I, do not always reach out for help, even when they (we) know they (we) need it and want it.

On the other hand, there have been times when I have regretted sharing my problems, mostly because of all of the unsolicited advice. Unsolicited advice is one thing, but how many people give you advice without knowing the whole situation? And are they actually experts? Have they done any better for themselves?

In light of this, if you are a doctor and someone you love has not been taking care of themselves and have been putting themselves in serious risk, do you advise them?

If you are a mechanic and you know that someone Has been ripped off by their regular mechanic, do you speak up?

If you are a drug counselor and  you recognize signs of drug use in your friend’s child, do you tell them? What about if you are a law enforcement officer?

If you are the expert, are you the right expert to help them or is it better to refer them to someone who doesn’t have as high a stake in their success coming out of this problem?

What if you are not the expert, but you know a really great expert? Does that make it easier to intervene?  And how do you go about confronting someone you love about a problem that you can clearly see, but they have not acknowledged to you yet? Do you try to engage other people in the confrontation? You risk that your loved one will feel judged and perhaps ambushed or betrayed.

 

These are touchy subjects, right?

I have grappled with these decisions so many times throughout my life. I have different decisions in different situations and have regretted almost all of them, so I do not claim to have the right answer here. I would like to share an approach that I have found to work recently, and one I wish I had tried in the past when other approaches backfired or left me with regrets, as in the case of my sister-in-law.

DISCLAIMER: this is not backfire-proof AND I would like to know how you have handled it with your loved one, good or bad, or how it was handled with you in a way that was effective and appreciated.

 

  1. Schedule one-on-one, face-to-face time.

– This is NOT always easy or possible, and sometimes a problem is urgent and cannot wait until these conditions are possible.

  1. Open up the conversation by leveling the playing field.

– Divulge something personal about yourself, not to compete with them and their issue, but that would be hard to admit and for which it was difficult to accept help.

  1. Come from a place of compassion, not judgement.

– It can be very hard to check yourself here; you may not be able to tell the difference, but they will!

  1. Describe what you want for this person, using all of the senses.

– Tell them why they deserve it and why it is possible.

  1. Point out some facts (not opinions) about their situation that indicate that the problem does indeed exist.

– Try not to involve other people; let them speak for themselves.

  1. Express the desire to help, without attachment to what that looks like.

– Find out what they have tried already, and offer ideas.

  1. Let them know that you are going to check back in, and how and when.

– If this backfires, you can expect avoidance. It may be necessary to consider what you will do if they avoid you and let them know what that is.

 

Now your turn. What has worked for you?